Na News Now 28 July 2006

Headline News:
Kor came home from Thailand on Thursday morning.

Kor left for Genting today evening.

My burden has been lifted off.

Yeps. My kor went to thailand, came home and rested for 1 day and head str8 to genting. nobody knows when is he coming home. You see the irony? My mom doesn't even bother about my kor's whereabouts, when she is not letting me go. I feel like a dead bird in a cage. She must learn to let me go! Argh! Even shan's dad is starting to show some sign of improvement. He don't seem that strict anymore. I am not a kid anymore!!!!!!!!!

You want to know why?

My life is filled with insecurities. There has never been a moment when there's nobody who hates me or refuse to talk to me or hope for me to dissolve into thin air. At this very second, I know 1 who unconsciously still hates me, and another 1 who can't make me disappear so myaswell treat me as dead, in fact, i don't think he likes my existence in his past life very much. I hate myself for that.

I have had 2 traumatising relationships. 1 I feel too deeply into and never managed to climb out for good. Another which I once scurringly tried to get rid of that left a scar for both to remember. From then on, I grew up, matured and knew what I wanted, at least I thought I knew.

I have physical requirements and psychological. Physical requires one to reach 1.7m and above. Looks wouldnt matter because the rest is all psychological. I thought I knew what I wanted, until now. It's all different, it's not what my mind tells me. I thought I could remain a firm stand for all my beliefs.

I tried to convince myself that maybe all this will work out fine, maybe it's not as bad as I think it might turn out to be. But he came along, with his gal, and everything changed. I started to act tempremental. Things became emotional. Logics didn't make sense anymore and I was obviously jealous.

And when things around me start to mess up, I made a wrong move and caused myself agony. I wasn't thinking straight when i did that. All I knew was that it's suffocating me and I needed to let some air in. I emptied my feelings and before I knew it, I regretted.

Now I hope that we can all pretend nothing happend, but you can't. I wanna forget about it, but you refuse to let me. I emptied my bottle but you filled it up again. Now I don't feel relieved at all. What should I do?

How can I convince you to think logically that this will not work? It's like North Pole v.s. South Pole. It's like the sparrows have never met an octopus.

Sometimes I find you annoying. Sometimes I think you're really cute. Sometimes I want you dead. Sometimes I want you here.

You're right. I'm weird. I can't figure myself out. I am a girl who's hard to figure. Nobody can really handle me.

This is what you get when you put Stubborn, Willfullness, Logic, Spoilt, Silent(as in one who hides emotions), Cunning, Soft, Tough, Insensitive, Bossy, Fickle, Indecisive, etc. all together.

I do tell ppl my secrets, but never the whole full story with the real truth. Is this what you are looking for? I seriously don't think so. You just think you are looking at the girl a few years back. But please, look again.

Holy shit. I feel much better now.

Heartbreaker

I don't know who reads my blog and who doesn't. So I don't wanna make this seem too obvious.

He just spoke to me, he initiated the conversation. The conversation only lasted 3 minutes, but it was like hell for me. I am nervous, excited, happy, scared and disappointed.

I saw his her. I hate myself for bloating. But I really don't understand his choice.

I am waiting for his promise - to call for a drink.

But wait, should I?
I am no longer the same person. I am someone who hates myself now. I have long moved the hatred upon myself and my physique.
Why should I show how frail I've become. Why should I prove that I've lost.

I've lost straight from the start. I've never won. And now I'm giving him a chance to see my defeat.
I feel like digging a hole in the ground and stick my head into it. I feel like drowning myself in carbon monoxide. I feel like filling my cup with lizards' poo.


I just realise how obvious I've made it.
-Yunshan, u're thinking of the right person this time. There's no one else with this much impact on me.

I don't feel so good.

I've complicated my life. I think too much, but if I don't, I can't survive.

Recently, my life is back to square one - a mess.

Maybe I'm just assuming. I hate it.

Things happened and I'm yet again speechless.

I am so tired.

Commit Suicide? I'm scared of pain and death.

Maybe I'll just try and stay in the safe zone for the time being - home.

I so wanna slim down.

I saw the person I've been avoiding for the past few years today. It has been such a long time since I last saw him and this time round I have mixed feelings about seeing him again. He didn't see me, or at least I think he didn't.

He has changed so much. I have changed so much. I don't dare to show my face, I felt so embarassed to let him see me, I don't know what will he think of me now.

He has changed for the better, or at least he looks like he did. I've changed for the worse, and I'm very sure I did.

Shit, I hope this is the last time I see him. I can't face him anymore, I can't let him see me anymore. I am so ashamed of myself.