You want to know why?

My life is filled with insecurities. There has never been a moment when there's nobody who hates me or refuse to talk to me or hope for me to dissolve into thin air. At this very second, I know 1 who unconsciously still hates me, and another 1 who can't make me disappear so myaswell treat me as dead, in fact, i don't think he likes my existence in his past life very much. I hate myself for that.

I have had 2 traumatising relationships. 1 I feel too deeply into and never managed to climb out for good. Another which I once scurringly tried to get rid of that left a scar for both to remember. From then on, I grew up, matured and knew what I wanted, at least I thought I knew.

I have physical requirements and psychological. Physical requires one to reach 1.7m and above. Looks wouldnt matter because the rest is all psychological. I thought I knew what I wanted, until now. It's all different, it's not what my mind tells me. I thought I could remain a firm stand for all my beliefs.

I tried to convince myself that maybe all this will work out fine, maybe it's not as bad as I think it might turn out to be. But he came along, with his gal, and everything changed. I started to act tempremental. Things became emotional. Logics didn't make sense anymore and I was obviously jealous.

And when things around me start to mess up, I made a wrong move and caused myself agony. I wasn't thinking straight when i did that. All I knew was that it's suffocating me and I needed to let some air in. I emptied my feelings and before I knew it, I regretted.

Now I hope that we can all pretend nothing happend, but you can't. I wanna forget about it, but you refuse to let me. I emptied my bottle but you filled it up again. Now I don't feel relieved at all. What should I do?

How can I convince you to think logically that this will not work? It's like North Pole v.s. South Pole. It's like the sparrows have never met an octopus.

Sometimes I find you annoying. Sometimes I think you're really cute. Sometimes I want you dead. Sometimes I want you here.

You're right. I'm weird. I can't figure myself out. I am a girl who's hard to figure. Nobody can really handle me.

This is what you get when you put Stubborn, Willfullness, Logic, Spoilt, Silent(as in one who hides emotions), Cunning, Soft, Tough, Insensitive, Bossy, Fickle, Indecisive, etc. all together.

I do tell ppl my secrets, but never the whole full story with the real truth. Is this what you are looking for? I seriously don't think so. You just think you are looking at the girl a few years back. But please, look again.

Holy shit. I feel much better now.