My Secret

I've never felt so alone since my grandmother left me.

Amidst all the glitz and glamour that had blinded me for more than a year, I finally saw the superficiality of it all.

When it happened, my heart pounded so hard, I could lay flat and get a heart attack. I cleared my thoughts and struggled to stay calm. I had other important things to handle, so I musn't break down. I pulled myself together and set my thoughts straight. The business had to go on.

Then it occured to me, it was Sunday. I webcam with my parents on Sunday nights. I've had occassions where I skipped our meetings and don't feel much, but after what has happened, I need to hear their voices more than ever. They always knew the right things to say and the right things to do. They will know what to do in situations like this.

No matter. I've got an urgent incomplete business that will require more work after the crash. So I pulled an all nighter with a 2nd hand and borrowed wireless and completed just enough to make up for the loss.

With my crooked spine aching and my brain overworked, I only had 1 thing in mind, my bed.

Dragging myself back into reality again, I rushed to get the 2nd hand connected for a bit of consolation. Aptly called the '2nd hand', it slowly worked its way into the network and took nearly 6 hours to get on track.

This is when I had time to sit and think. I couldn't wait. I called my mother, eager to hear her voice. This was when the waterworks opened and wouldn't stop. I realised that just hearing her isn't enough. I was hopeless, desperate and stuck in a rut all alone. I yearned for her arms, my brothers' gaze and my father's touch. I've never missed home so badly since my first few nights in Brisbane.

I have nice friends all around me, but there are sides of me that I do not want to reveal. Ever since starting life on my own in a foreign land, vulnerability has been the first thing that I do not allow myself to succuumb to. The only place private enough for me to hide my vulnerability is the shower, where not only can I hide my face from the world, I can also bluff myself of my tears for an hour.

I hate myself for wanting to give up and take a plane home.
I hate myself for being vulnerable.
I hate myself for making others worried.

My head is pounding from the endless stream flowing down my face.
Time to hide under covers until the sun finds me.