Letting go (or not)

I thought by throwing out my honest unhappiness before leaving, relationships would have gotten back to their original states, as they were.

1.5 months after my departure, I realised an unforgivable truth/lie, which shattered the feelings I once treasured firmly.

The truth is, it was (probably) all a Lie.

even if the defendant insists that it is not a Lie, but the truth just evolved with time, then I'd be scared to know what it'll be like in 3 months time.

2 months ago, I was devastated by the fact that the Lie still exist in my life.
No one reassured me that the Lie will not reappear again.
in fact, I naively think the the Lie will just cease to happen because I made a big fuss out of it.
Right now, when I have no way to display my anger to show that it matters, I see the Lie appearing in the lives of those I (want to) treasure.

It has always been: If Na exists, the Lie will not. If the Lie exists, Na will not.
The Lie and me do not coexist.
Now it feels like because Na has left, the Lie can finally come out in daylight again.

This Lie has caused me detrimental pain in the past, and it is back to haunt me again.

Maybe you are right, I should gradually let go and accept the changes 3 months from now.

So much for everyone thinking that I'll change because I disappeared for 4 months.
I didn't see this coming: Everyone else making the change while I'm away.



Although most of the time I say I'll let go and forget, scars are permanent marks that remind me of the past.
I am really stubborn and there are scars that will forever hurt even after it's healed.

I am not being childish playing the "primary school girls backstabbing" game. This is pure grown up dislike/discomfort caused by painful childhood nightmares.

I think i might want to step out of the game and let the Lie live.
What's the point of holding on?
Maybe if the Lie refuses to leave for good, I will.

There is no choice in this matter because since the day the Lie decides to pin excruciating pain on my life, the Lie has already made it clear.
For the rest of my life, either one of us will survive and the other will cease to live.

Since the Lie has managed to make a comeback, I might retreat forever.
We'll see how it goes in 3 months time.