For the past one month, I find myself drowning in disappointment caused by the people around me and to add on to that, I felt immersed in high-blood-pressure stress level because of my mother.
I don't blame my mother, because I can see her blood pressure soaring higher than mine as the departure date draws nearer. It came as a shock to her that I was really serious about studying abroad alone, and without getting mentally prepared in time for her daughter's first grown-up decision, she finds herself worrying about my basic survival necessities in Australia.
But I don't see any effort put in by the rest of the people around me. I feel myself surrounded in sheer superficial "Miss Yous" and meet-ups.
For one entire month, I realised how I was used as an excuse for gatherings and more gatherings, where my existence seemed unimportant.
Or if I was in any way important, I was there to keep things planned and organised so that everyone is fed and happy.
I don't see other people's farewells as servitude as mine.
Everyday, as I savour the solitude moments that have been so hard to come by lately, my mind would drift to the antagonising socialising work I've been trying to keep up with ever since I was planning to leave Australia.
I find it unbelievable that after so long, I still ended up feeling let down by the people whom I thought I could keep forever.
And when I look back, I realise that I had a part to play in the blame.
The non-existence of the word Trust landed me here, as I see the true colours of my life before leaving this made up world of my own.
In actual fact, I never trusted anyone, and nobody realised that that problem actually existed.
I've never poured my sorrows to anyone, neither has anyone tried to look here for a shoulder to cry on.
I am not the first person to share your joy with, neither are you the first person I wanna announce my good news to.
Whatever happened to the "I don't believe in Best Friends" theory I've been working on since Primary School. It seems that after I've learnt to change myself, I'm slowly forgetting the scars that were left by all those whom I thought I could trust, and thus, letting my guard down.
I've never let myself feel love from friends only until recently, when I got pricked which woke me into reality.
As I sit here alone, thinking back on all the bitter and sweet I've encountered in life, I realise that I've not told anyone the bitterness in my life, and I find myself holding back whenever I want to spread any good news. It's not that I don't wish to say anything, but many times, in order to prevent more trouble or best, status quo, I had to keep mum.
Just like now. By writing this, I'm making trouble for myself, but it's okay, because it's between me and each individual and I'm leaving already, so there won't be any more talkings to blow the matter up. Right?
So I asked myself, "Do these people actually know me?"
Now I finally saw the light of everything.
The farewell is for the girl who is always there when you need her. Just ring her up, say please and she'll turn up for all the bored souls who needs a companion.
Everyone must admit that I'm not a fun person to hang out with, so when I do get a call, they just needed more people to fill up the space, or otherwise, it would be that all the fun people are busy.
That's that.
They'll miss the "make-use-of" girl, whom they don't actually understand but they think they do.
All the "we really want you to be there" mentality makes me wonder if I'm being called up because it became a habit.
Because in so many occasions, I've tried and experimented: If I don't speak up and make any sound, will anyone notice?
Apparently, it's proven that No, no one noticed.
I wrote this a week before my departure, but I'm only posting it out now because I don't wanna see all the guilt-strickened, disappointed, sad faces like as if those faces are telling me that I should be guilty of feeling that way and I should really change my mindset.
Please do take a few moments and ponder. Do you really have no part to play in this whole ordeal I'm going through in my mind?
and whatever your answer is for that question, ask yourself: "Do you really know what kind of a person Sheena Ng really is?"
Whether your answer is a Yes or a No, it doesn't matter to me. Because right from the start of the entire Farewell Sheena Affair, I saw who are the ones who truly loves me as a friend and I sincerely appreciate everyone of them.
People may have saw the change in me, but they don't realise how the change made me distant and different.
As for those not in my list, just 2 more lines for all of you:
I'm sick of me giving and you not reciprocating because I'm not that magnanimous.
Therefore, I won't bother giving anymore unless there's a need to.
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Alright. Take in deep breaths and relax.
I've written this because I was too stressed up.
But that doesn't mean I don't mean what I say.
If it didn't matter then it wouldn't hurt so much.
So friends still mean alot to me, just in a different way.
And I'm sure nobody realised, but I've learned to live and forget since a looong time ago, and also, I dont think anybody really know that the line "Time will heal all wounds, scars will trail behind" really applies in my life.
(Although I know it's kinda impossible) Don't let the above passage bother you too much, as Time will solve everything. Wounds will definitely heal in time, but scars remain.
I don't know about you (apply to all readers) reading this, but I've become an optimistic person who cheers up in minutes.
That's something you learn about me. :)
An independent soul is what I've become right now.
That's why I say I don't need a farewell. It'd only make my already dreadful soul feel worse, but I'm not blaming anybody since I've never told anyone and nobody actually noticed.
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